9 Rules of Networking

As a child I was painfully shy. I’m talking near panic attacks asking for ketchup at a restaurant. For some people, that’s how it is: the fight or flight mechanism in your brain takes over at the thought of having to introduce yourself and carry on a conversation with someone you don’t know.

What finally started cracking the shell for me was when I became a journalist. You can’t do that job if you’re not willing to ask questions of many people you may not know. It was an environment in which I had the illusion of control. I introduced myself, asked my questions and took notes, then said goodbye. Still, the first time my editor asked me to ask a source a follow-up question, I said something like, ‘I don’t want to be a bother to them.’ He responded that he did it all the time, and no one ever complained and even preferred follow up rather than a lack of clarity. So, I did it and I survived.

Journalism is de facto networking. I had to develop relationships and gain trust to achieve my goals. When I became more visible as editor-in-chief, people I didn’t know were seeking me out at events. It was quite disconcerting, but I survived and even got accustomed to it. Still not a hugger, but when someone else initiates it, I don’t tense up (as much).

I’ve always been much more confident in my writing abilities than speaking. My theory is that there is comfort of being able to edit what you’re writing versus the live, real-time act of conversing. Still, with a plan, a few rules and some practice anyone can do it and do it well.

Rule No. 1 – Have a plan. Know where you’re going, who’s likely to attend or at least the types of people in attendance, and with whom you want to speak. Consider what events will have the right audience for your goals. If you’re going looking for a job, have an elevator pitch ready should the subject arise. When seeking out potential clients, know the key representatives of the company who are in attendance. Are they influencers or buyers of your product?

No matter your purpose, if possible, research the people you’d like to speak with on LinkedIn and other social media for commonalities to start a natural discussion. Whatever you do, don’t come across as salesy; that’s a big turn off. Start the relationship or build on an existing one. While benefits and pricing are important, emotional connection often overrules these factors in purchase decisions.

Rule No. 2 – Make the other person feel special. Use their name multiple times in conversation. It helps with the emotional bond (and in my case, remembering people’s names!). When first meeting someone, repeat their name back to them, as in, “Great to meet you, Tonya.”

Mimicry can also help in connecting with someone, such as copying their body language. Jonah Berger, in his book, “Invisible Influence,”invites the reader to think about the last time you went to a nice restaurant with great service. You order your meal, and the server repeats it back to you. Research shows that mimicry just earned your server a 70% larger tip.

Rule No. 3 – Have empathy. Most people there are going to have an agenda, just like you do. You have to read people to determine whether this person is willing to invest time with you. Do they seem to be listening to you or are they fidgeting and looking at their phone? When you ask, ‘How are you doing?’ did they respond, ‘Fine,’ or did they go into more detail that invited a longer conversation? If you cling to someone too long, they’ll check out, and neither of you will be able to get the satisfactory outcome you want. Allow them to move on, but exchange information for a more in-depth conversation at a later date.

Rule No. 4 – Focus on truly listening to the other person so you can ask good follow up questions to keep the conversation going. When you’ve determined the other person is interested in a longer conversation, really listen for cues to help you formulate follow-up questions. ‘My son’s heading off to college.’ ‘That’s great! Where’s he going? What’s he studying? That’s fascinating! What do you think about it?’ Not rapid fire like that, but you get the point.

CAUTION: Don’t ask a question to which you don’t already know the answer. Using a similar example, ‘My son just graduated high school.’ ‘Really?! Where’s he going to college?’ ‘Oh, he’s not. His grades were horrible, and he thinks he’s going to make it as a YouTube sensation.’ That can be a real conversation killer, upset the other person and you’ve just associated yourself with likely negative feelings.

ANOTHER CAUTION: Don’t make assumptions.

Rule No. 5 – Stick with safe topics. It’s like dating. No politics, unless you already know the person’s political bent, and even then probably not because of Rule No. 8. No religion. No griping about exes. You don’t know if this person just got left by their spouse whom they really loved and still do. No gossiping. See my CAUTIONS above.

Rule No. 6. – Be human. Walk up to the person who’s by themselves. They probably have the heart palpitations and sweats you experienced before you read this piece and leveled up your networking skills. Now use them to make someone else feel more confident, special even. Refer back to Rule No. 2.

I love this rule because it applies in many ways. Another way to look at it is to remember we’re all humans with interests outside of work, whether you’re talking to a personal idol or a peer. I used to fear this because it was drilled into my head growing up that it’s not professional. In the last several years, I’ve opened up about more personal stuff and it’s been tremendously beneficial in many ways. The other day I mentioned to a client that my husband and I are tiling our kitchen floor and that I enjoy occasional manual labor because it’s good for the soul. This person immediately jumped in, saying that’s why they love gardening, and it opened up a new level of our relationship.

CAUTION: Do not air your dirty laundry.

When networking, you’re not only meeting a lot of new people, but you’re also running into colleagues you’ve known for a long time. You may not have seen them in a long time. Give them the gift of your name, was the advice from a speaker during the GWLN’s Executive Readiness Summit. ‘Hello Joe, it’s Sarah Cooke. Good to see you again.’ If you can remember where or the context of your first meeting, mention it so you can also practice Rule No. 2 by making them feel special.

Rule No. 7 – Have an exit strategy. Sometimes people don’t read others well, and if you’re on a mission to talk to someone who’s recently freed up from a previous conversation, there are courteous methods to leave a conversation. Make it about them. Say something like, ‘Well, I know you have to get back to mingling, but I’d love to catch up with you later,’ or you might execute a sorcery-level handoff. Another person you know comes up to the two of you, and you introduce them, then casually say, ‘The line at the bar has gone down. I’m going to head over while you two get acquainted.’ That leads me to…

Rule No. 8 – Connect others. You need to master all the previous rules of networking as a foundation to your benefit, but THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE is to connect others. Bob has expressed that he’s concerned about this company’s sales, and Joan has a successful track record at turnarounds. Introduce them. Or you know John is attending this event to generate leads and you know Martin might be a good match for his product. Get them together. People who can connect other people earn goodwill all around.

Rule No. 9 – Take a time out. Excuse yourself to the bathroom or step out to ‘make an important call.’ Many people dread networking, and it creates massive amounts of anxiety. After an hour or so of being ‘on,’ reward your progress with a brief break. You’ve earned it!

Networking can be awkward, even feel manipulative at first, but it’s actually evolutionary. Connecting with others for everyone’s benefit is a positive thing. It’s about survival. You don’t want a job at someone’s company because you want to go in there and stink up the place; you want to make a positive difference! You’re not connecting others to waste their time, but in the hopes of beginning a mutually beneficial relationship. Do the right thing, and it will always be constructive.